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How to understand that you have already met gold?
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Like always I have been inspired to this article by a client of mine. Every two years we have this interesting client who tries to “outsmart” the efficient matchmaking process and unfortunately sabotages his own dates.

 The “muse” of this article is a very smart gentleman with middle eastern background, who has managed to get a wonderful education and to build a solid career in the USA.  Let’s call him Jimmy. He is sweet and easy-going, but not traditionally handsome. Please understand me right, I don’t believe that “beauty” should be a number one criterion when you are looking for a life partner. I believe ALL our male clients are beautiful people, because they have great personalities, they are smart, sweet and really romantic. Jimmy, for example, has beautiful brown eyes and a boyish smile. But I can’t be objective. I get to know my male clients, so I “judge” the “whole package”: personality, education, vision about relationship and family, values, background and looks.

When we have started conducting interviews for Jimmy I knew for sure that ladies would not choose him solely for his looks. He is a great guy, but he is not a traditional male eye candy.  So we build our strategy on his undeniable strengths: he is reliable, family oriented, serious about finding the life partner. We were looking for the ladies for whom these qualities would outweigh not traditionally handsome looks and the fact that Jimmy was divorced and had a kid from a previous marriage. Pretty often our male clients who already have been married and have kids from previous marriages prefer dating ladies “without history”: never married, no kids. Of course the majority of ladies who have never been married and don’t have kids prefer dating someone “without history” as well. So when a male client “with history” claims he wants to date someone “without history” it limits the search to those ladies who might be open to this.

While interviewing ladies for this exact client and describing his strengths – he is reliable, family oriented, serious about finding the life partner – we got attention of the ladies. But then the ladies have demanded to see his photos. 85% of the ladies didn’t find him attractive and therefore didn’t agree to meet him.  Ladies are visual as well. Some of them imagine Prince Charming to be blond and to have blue eyes. Other claim they are attracted to grey eyes only.  Some ladies are so sure that they can date only a gentleman who is 6’4’’. Other ladies expect Mr. Perfect to have a 6-pack.  Our male client Jimmy possessed none of described qualities.

After conducting more interviews with more than 80 ladies we have preselected about 10 ladies who matched the criteria agreed with the client: university degree, slim to curvy body type, never married and doesn’t have kids, open to date a divorced father, etc. These ladies were looking for someone truly family oriented, felt attracted to brown eyes and found brains, actions and respectful attitude of the man vitally important. Out of these 10 ladies Jimmy has approved 4. The rest of the ladies he “didn’t find attractive enough”.  Which is ok, we can’t feel attracted to everyone!

Every two years we have a male client who believes it is his “mission” to prove that “our matchmaking system doesn’t work”, “that he can’t meet anyone”, “that international dating cannot be successful”. He hires us with no desire and true intentions to succeed.  We love “tough cases”. We love proving these gentlemen wrong by introducing them to someone unique and wonderful. Of course a lot depends on their inner desire to give it a try and to trust their matchmaker.

Sometimes male clients try to “prove us wrong” by not accepting some small directions or hints. For example we recommend a flower shop, which we know accepts Visa, MasterCard, American Express and always have a good selection of fresh flowers.  But a client decides he “knows it better” and gets flowers by the metro station. Why? Well, for no obvious reason. As a result flowers look bad. They look cheap and not classy. In Ukraine flowers on a first date is truly a big deal. So when the lady who has spend hours getting ready for the date getting her hair and nails done receives ugly flowers – she accepts them with a smile of course, but she feels unappreciated and not respected.

In Ukraine we have a popular joke about a person who has decided to buy a bus ticket that can be used only during one day and then to decide to walk instead of taking the bus to “save” the ticket.

I often think about this joke when a male client who has paid for our services, for tickets and hotel and what is more important who has invest his time into the trip to Ukraine decides not to actually use directions and tips he has paid for. Why? This is an enigma we will probably never solve.

We have introduced Jimmy to several beautiful younger well-educated ladies. They were seriously out of his league. In the USA every gentleman would be proud to have a lady like that by his side. Well, in Ukraine many guys would fight for their attention and Ukrainian men are surrounded by beauty and femininity of Ukrainian ladies all year around!

After the dates Jimmy has asked me why I can’t “find gold for him”. This question got me perplexed. Did he mean, that the ladies who were preselected out from almost a 100 of girls and showed interest in him were not “gold”?

I understand that it is partly our fault as well. We have found wonderful ladies who showed sincere interest in him. They shared many hobbies and were on the same page regarding relationship and family. He got phone numbers and second dates with each girl he has met. Like we have predicted these ladies felt attracted to his personality, level of education, travel experience, serious attitude to relationship and family, his achievements in career. They found his jokes extremely funny and nerdy clothes style cute. And in Jimmy’s eyes these ladies were still not “gold”?

Perhaps we should have reminded him that at this stage it has a lot to do with a high quality selection and individual interviews with the ladies conducted even before Jimmy got on his plane to Ukraine. But we have “forgotten” to remind him about this, so now he believes he just “got lucky”. Jimmy was sure he has managed to attract such wonderful beautiful and smart ladies “on his own”, so for sure he can easily “raise the bar” and get even younger, hotter dates. After all the grass is always greener on the other side. If we have managed to get him such dates, perhaps we “hide” even better candidates?

Svetlana Mukha, with love

 

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  • Richard

    Men have to realistically evaluate the measure of their mettle. You, as a match maker, have a role to assist them to be comfortable with who they are and to stretch them. You truly ARE a coach…just like a sports coach. Good advice!

    23 April 2019 14:20
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